In A Year

There’s something about that first year on your own that just changes everything. Flipping through the worn pages of my trusty Moleskine (you should all invest in a good old fashion journal, just saying), I’ve realized that, in the past year, a lot has gone down. Exactly a year ago, I was getting ready to graduate from high school. Only a year. And here I am, three, four hundred some odd days later, sat alone in my first apartment that should be empty by now, listening to the rain fall hard outside my window and thinking. Thinking.

For all intents and purposes, this website is basically an online journal. My space. My breathing room. I get to decide which words to leave unsaid and which thoughts should be published. Granted I haven't posted on here in what feels like ages, and that’s because I’ve been too busy — for lack of a better phrase — getting my shit together elsewhere (not that my shit will ever be together per se). Anyways, I guess what I mean to say is, this is my little corner of the internet where I can be really honest. And it’s about to get real.

As I think back on the crazy year I’ve had, there is no way I could’ve anticipated everything that I went through. I am not going to lie, it was a hard year. But I am not going to bore you with the depressing sob story right now, because that’s all in the past now. My grades were great and all that, so it wasn’t really the school part…just a lot of personal struggles. The super short spark note version is, basically, first semester of freshman year sucked…but after a lot of soul searching and growing up and learning how to manage my life and health issues better…things started to change for the better. 

Moving on. Time to focus on the whole point of this rambling blogpost. Here are some of the things I’ve learned during my first year at university. I have learned that…

1) You just can't be all the things. And that’s okay. If you're anything like me, you constantly think about the kind of person you want to be — how you want to portray yourself, how you want to dress and look like, what kind of vibe you want to give off. Maybe you want to reinvent yourself. While college is the perfect time to do that, don't pressure yourself to be that best version of you right this second. It takes time to grow. Keep that best version of you in mind, but don't be too hard on yourself when things don't seem to go your way. I want to be all the things, but sometimes, I just can’t. 

2) The best things in life are not planned. College is the perfect time to be spontaneous, to have fun, to really experience life and youth and all its glory. If you’re like me, you’re a planner. You think and think and think and rarely leave room for error. You make lists, you plan. But every once in awhile, put away the notepad, girl! Let the chips fall where they may. Let go and let God do for you what He thinks is best. The best things in life are complete surprises. Don’t be afraid to just go for it.

3) You can't date an idea. Don’t let your unrealistic expectations get in the way of something that could be really great. Remember that he or she is a person with flaws, insecurities, complicated feelings and emotions. You can’t expect every person you go out with to tick off all the boxes. But by no means am I saying lower your standards…keep those standards real high. You deserve the absolute best.

4) No one knows what they are doing. I mean no one. When you walk onto campus for the first time as a doe-eyed freshman, you see those sophomores and juniors and think, wow. Those guys have got it going on (and let’s face it, we do). Those guys have it all figured out. Uh no, we don’t. Tell that to the senior that’s changing his major for the fifth time. Every one is going at it at their own pace and figuring it all out as they go along. You don't have to know everything. That’s the beauty of college. These are confusing times my friends. But really, what better time is there?

5) Homegirl isn’t always going to back you up. In the real world, it’s real easy to find out who your true friends are. People change in college, so don't expect that all your high school homies will stick around or still have your back. Most importantly, be wary of the “friends” who don't have your best interest in mind. College is a very competitive playing field in all aspects of life, but especially when it comes to academic accomplishments and dating. Be careful. You know that girl from high school who’s really quiet and sweet and never did anything to hurt you? Those are the ones you gotta watch. Just kidding. But really, the only person who is truly, one hundred percent on your side always, is you. Just be careful and stick up for yourself. That’s all I’m sayin’.

6) Nobody cares. So do what you want, wear what you want. Go dance around in the quad with your pjs on, do cartwheels on the fifth floor of the library, or be the fatty smuggling three pizza boxes into your dorm…because nobody cares. In college, weird shiz happens all the time. Most of the time, people will just shrug and say, “That’s so college” or “eh, good for her. You do you. Hashtag YOLO.” And if on the off chance they give you a look, they probably just failed a final or got dumped. Give them a hug. Or don’t. Your call.

7) It’s okay to be a mess. Every one is a mess. If you feel like a mess, that just means you’re college-ing correctly.

8) It’s okay to cut people out of your life. In fact, it is your right. It’s healthy to get rid of people who bring you down, who don't look out for you, who don't truly care for you, who are just in it for themselves. In the words of the queen Tyler Oakley, “You are allowed to cut people off who are not productive, who do not make you a better person, and who do not make you happy. You know who I’m talking about. You don't need them.” Need I say more?

Now, PAY ATTENTION HERE. This next one is probably the most important. 

9) True friendship is rare. A true friend isn’t jealous. He/she wants you to be your most beautiful, happy, vibrant self. Don't EVER let yourself feel like you have to hide your own light to protect someone else’s insecurity. If they can’t step back and support you without feeling threatened, jealous, or competitive…they do not have your best interest at heart. DUMP THEM and refuse to change yourself for their sake. Find people who challenge you to grow and want you to get better…who love you always. 

It’s true what they say — college is a truly amazing time. You’re young. You’re still a kid, but at the same time you’re learning how to adult. It’s the last time you can really just enjoy freedom and relative lack of responsibility. It’s your time to make mistakes. To dye your hair purple and completely regret it…or rock it. To get hurt. To learn. To get back up. To major in Philosophy because there’s "no real career in that" anyways — why not? To do what you want. To find yourself. It’s transformative, it’s eye opening, it’s exciting, it’s confusing, it’s liberating. It can be the best four — or five, if you wanna take a victory lap — years of your life. But like any experience, it is all about how you make it. 

I could go on and on about all the these I’ve learned this year, and I love giving advice, so this blogpost could’ve easily turned into a book, but I am sure you’re so glad it didn’t. If you’ve survived reading all the way ’til the end, thanks for the read. Knuckle touch.