About eight months ago or so, I heard about an opportunity to study abroad through the University of Dallas when I received a call at work from a professor wanting to spread the word about his program. Knowing that Texas A&M does not offer many courses for my religious studies minor, I couldn't help but gush over the thought of studying Catholic Theology while living at the heart of His Church in Rome. However as time went on, I pushed all things study abroad aside as my desire to return to Life Teen summer camp for a second summer took center stage in my mind.
Looking back at my fall semester, I remember it quite fondly as one filled with consolation and community. My desire for an increase in authentic community was little by little being met as Jesus thoughtfully hand placed some pretty wild and beautiful women in my life. My heart stretched as I was entrusted to take part in leading a ministry of two hundred souls alongside *literally* the most incredible human beings. I started a journey of healing and discernment through spiritual direction, Samuel Group, and praying with Be Healed, and my prayer life was growing immensely as I learned (or tried to) love myself as the Father loves me. I saw myself in the place of the Elder Son, only in need of asking. And so I asked and asked and Jesus continued to reveal His heart to mine. I was receiving from Jesus pretty regularly in prayer; He never ceased giving, speaking, moving.
By the time I was invited to go to Covecrest for the summer, something in my heart was telling me it was not my time to return. While Life Teen was (and is) home, I felt that Jesus was asking me to put aside that particular desire… And so the idea of Rome came again in prayer over and over and over. But no! No. No. No. I thought. That’s much too big for me.
And yet. Here I am. LOL, JESUS. I get it.
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the adventurous risk-taking type, as much as I wish I was. While I have big desires for seeing the world and doing big things, I am definitely a little anxious heart… And I am ~very~ content in my comfy zone most of the time, and the thought of traveling abroad by myself to participate in a program I knew virtually nothing about with people I don’t know for a month and a half made (makes) my stomach curl into anxious knots.
Anyway, the spring semester begins and I quickly find myself knee deep in the thick of it all. By February, life was becoming too much. I was spread so thin. I had very little free time and very little left to give of myself. I was feeling empty. And prayer was becoming increasingly hard. After the sudden death of a old friend and several breakdowns, I needed to take a good look at myself. I needed to let go of the expectation to do all the things and keep it all together. I needed to recognize my own limitations. I was finding it hard to ask for help, when I definitely needed it. I was always overwhelmed. I realized that I had (have) difficulty accepting Jesus’s love for me as shown to me by other people, and I was realizing that I have a hard time loving myself. And that’s when I was asked to give a talk on Loving Yourself to a room of 200 people when I could hardly practice what I was preaching… But classic Jesus was just using this talk to speak to me directly. And since you haven’t heard the talk and I’m not going to type it out here because that’s a whole other story, but I’ll put the main talking points here:
Loving yourself is a direct response to Jesus’ love for you.
Self-love is an act of humility and comes from the realization that if God is who He says He is, then you are who He says you are.
Abiding in Jesus’ love requires that you receive His love and all things as gift, including the gift of who you are.
The latter half of the semester proved to look up as I learned how to take care of myself and say no, and was filled with abundant graces despite (perhaps because of) the tremendous balancing act I was caught in. I continued to find great joy in spending time in virtuous community, and I finished the semester with a bright and shiny Aggie ring and a ticket to Rome.
I finally completed the application process in March and was accepted to study abroad in Italy for the next six weeks, and up until about three weeks ago, I really didn’t give it much thought. I preferred to ignore all rather than be overwhelmed and forced to face my fears and anxieties head on (and forced to actually get those million little things done).
The month of May was a whirlwind. Finals ended the 8th. Raft trip the 9 - 10th. Went to the Silos in Waco with K and went to a tiny church for confession and was consoled by a field of wildflowers. Said see you later to College Station on the 14th. Back to SA. A week of laying low. Then two weeks of crazy. During one of the many times I was sitting in the car, I listened to a Fr. Mike Schmitz podcast (classic) in which I was hit with this truth: When I choose to be grateful, I am choosing to live out of a place of abundance.
I was again reminded of my own journey at the start of this semester and the constant whispering of the truth that ALL IS GIFT. As the time for my departure grew closer, the more anxious I became, and the more Jesus whispered to me:
I will not leave you orphaned, I will come to you.
My little one, be not afraid! I have given you all you need.
I will send you an advocate.
My head is quicker to learn than my heart however, and the past week I've had waves of anxiety attacks and fears and knots in my stomach. Last night, K held me as I become a blubbering mess of tears and staggered breaths and I seriously considered what would happen if I dropped out now. And this morning was hard. And these six weeks will be hard.
But looking back on the past year, I am reminded of the truth that all is gift, including this adventure, despite how hard it is for me to accept and that Jesus will use this time abroad to stretch my heart in ways I can’t imagine.
And now, I am going to board a plane to Rome. Yikes.
Prayers for your girl!
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